These past couple days have just been an emotional rollercoaster for me. One day I’ll miss you, another day I’ll be ape shit furious at you, then I’ll be ok. I’ve said this before, and here I am saying it again. I love the fact that we’re still friends. I love that you call/text me to make sure that I’m ok and you’re still willing to listen to me when I need to vent even if it is about you. But then it’s hard being just friends with someone you love,and idono how I’m able to handle this. Last night was a good conversation and it’s part of the reason why I’m blogging. You told me to tell you why I feel sad, why I’m mad and why I’m ok. I told you but I feel like I still have more to say so here it is…

I’m sad b’cos I miss you, I miss us. I grew so used to having you around. Pillow talking, hanging out with you, watching Monk, playing Little Big Planet. I miss sleeping over your house every Saturday night, kissing you before I went to sleep, waking up next to you the next morning only to have you hold me tight so I couldn’t get ready for my tournament so we lay down a little bit longer. Finally getting up and we go to my tournament and you stay to watch. Then after we’ll go back to your house and I’ll just kick back while you cook for me. Then we lay down watch Monk and fall asleep. My family misses you too. My mom, dad,even my dog. This isn’t even half of it. I miss everything. I miss your touch, your voice, EVERYTHING. I’ve spent almost two years of my life with you and I’m hurting. The plans you and I made TOGETHER, but now I’m afraid you’ll do those things with another girl. Our “summer to-do” list, and everything else we’ve talked about are just memories now. I know I’m young,but I honestly feel like I fell in love with you. If not love, then you’re the person I’ve fallen hardest for. I dropped my guard, I let you in. You’ve come to know me completely inside and out. You know when I’m lying,when I’m actually ok, and anything else I’m feeling and that’s what I hate.. Besides my bestfriends, no one knows me as well as you do. I guess that’s why they say the people closest to you end up hurting you the most, b’cos they know everything there is to know about you. Now, I feel scared to let another guy come too close to me. I’m too scared to get hurt the same way again..

The other day I felt so angry at you. I was looking at a picture of us, mugging the shit out of my phone.Idono what came over me, it just happened I guess. It seems like you moved on so quick and it made me mad.You managed to make me feel like our relationship was nothing, but that’s completely wrong. We were something but I have to keep reminding myself that. You told me yourself you haven’t moved on yet, but idno. I just I can’t even explain it.

The moments when I’m ok, haha. For the most part, I’m ok b’cos you’re still around. If I tell you I’m not ok, you’ll listen to me vent. We can still hang-out without any awkwardness between us; we can still have fun together as friends. I’m glad that you haven’t left, or gone anywhere. I like how we can still talk.

But yeah. All of this still doesn’t change the fact that I still love you. Of course I do, we’ve only been broken up for three weeks my feelings aren’t gonna go away so quick, but I wonder if they’ll ever go away at all. I’m doing a lot better than how I thought I’d be, ask anyone who knows me well enough. I thought I’d be moping around and crying my eyes out. But only on ceratin occassions I do. Moments like right now is when I miss out more than I usually do. So many thoughts and “what if” scenarios are running through my head, but those are only thoughts. And as of right now, “us” is just a memory.. There’s a big part of me that hopes you come back and we end up making things work and you do end up being somewhat my “high school sweetheart”, but there’s a voice in the back of my head saying that I just want to stay friends b’cos I don’t think I’ll be able to handle you breaking my heart for a third time. But fuck it. I do want you to come back, I want us back, but as of now I just gotta do me. I just want to stay single for a while,summer’s coming up and I’ll just take advantage of it and enjoy it. The only thing that sucks about summer is your birthday. I wanna do something special for you, but would it be right ? Gahh. I’m hurting now, but I KNOW for a fact that August 24,2011 is gonna kill me.

Well I guess this is it for now, just needed to let this out like all the other posts on this blog.